Tuesday, March 8, 2016

A Death in the Family that Was Never a Family


My father died in a motorcycle accident last week. He was a no-goodnik, absent, narcissistic man who abandoned his children in a home so dangerous, the abuse left me with PTSD and disabled by permanent chronic pain. As you can imagine, my emotions are complex and difficult right now. 

The above outfit and pose are my little attempt to deal with all my mixed up emotions about my father's life and death. I'm wearing a newsboy cap like he always did, and doing his classic, self-important, deep and serious,1,000 yard stare. I look just like him, minus the beard. But I'm also wearing the dragon ear-cuff that my step-son gave me. To me, it represents strength and fierceness, my way of saying, "The abuse stops here!" 


In the midst of this emotional turmoil, I'm also busy dealing with my father's will (in which he badly stiffed his kids), police, coroners, the executor, etc. I'm exhausted so you might not see a post from me for a while. I just thought I'd let you all know, in case you noticed my absence and were worried.
qwerty

6 comments:

  1. Wishing strength, peace, and healing.

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    1. Thanks, Radostin. It's been a week now and I'm doing better than I was.

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  2. For the sake my own personal safety, I will say little in terms of specifics online, other than to tell you that I truly, truly understand. I am deeply sorry that you are experiencing the wide range of thoughts and emotions that this event must be causing you and hope that the situation with his will won't turn into a complete nightmare for you.

    Countless gentle hugs & serene wishes coming your way,
    ♥ Jessica

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    1. Thank-you, my dear. In speaking with the coroners, cops, and mortuary workers, I learned what I already knew: many families are horrible and many people are like me, with very mixed feelings about an abusive parents' death. I don't know if that's a comfort but at least I know I'm not alone in this.

      Virtually no one has offered me condolences on my loss. They know better than that. They know I never had a father to lose.

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  3. I'm sorry. Your life is already difficult enough; you did not need more crap. Wishing you strength.

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    1. Totally! I've always already got enough on my plate. But, you know, such is life -- and death.

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